inside this

Inside this thing

this body

on permanent lockdown

I see things

as I never thought to

see them

a word

growing to the size

of a mountain

a hand, a touch

sweeter smelling

than the honeysuckle

hiding among the lilacs in my back garden

everything sharp

stinging

nothing unnoticed

never in balance

and when my feet

won´t take me

for a walk in the woods

my mind takes me

to a thousand words

a thousand worlds

within

#millionsmissing

#myalgicencephalomyelitis

#meawareness 

the mirror

In the mirror

I see myself

as I am

as I once was

as I once will be

I see my different ages

pass before me

the small curly girl

smiling with light

the teenager

angry with the world

so lost in sorrows

of her own

the young mother

full of love

with too many weights

on her shoulders

forgetting to live

also for herself

I see my present self

tired and worn

rewilding

refinding

trying to rest

to find who she will be

tomorrow

Full of love

I see

the woman

I can become

the old one

with long grey hair

face marked of the years

mature

knowing

loving

And among them all

in the distance

the part of me that was ever present

in my deepest core

the light within

the glowing heart

everlasting

everliving

love

with special thanks to Blythe Rowan

bandaid on an ulcer

And all the time I thought

it was my

heart

being fragile

that my ghosts

finally had

caught up with me

even though I´d seen them

lurch in the distance

that I didn´t really reach

all the way in

to what was lurking in there

And yet

all the time

there was something

inside

me

inside my tissues

my blood stream

that tore and pulled

and cut

and all my efforts

trying to find the answer

in my heart

was nothing but a bandaid

on an ulcer

and the only thing that can really

soothe

is knowing that nothing I could do

would ever be enough

#mecfs #myalgicencephalomyelitis

#närkroppensägernej

soaring over night skies

my wings

proud and fragile

cut off at their roots

to keep me on the ground

mending the wound

with silver thread

sewing my wings back

to fly

soar over a black

night sky

finding what was

long lost

breath

Give me your

breath

that I can breathe

through you

let myself

get drunk with

your

air

life

a heartbeat away

just out of reach

and however far I reach out

my hand only carries

halfway across the room

exist

Outside:

life swirling

hastily by

And for a moment

A wondering

If I still

actually

exist

#mecfs #myalgicencephalomyelitis 

#närkroppensägernej

the world becomes small

When the body says no.

And the world becomes small.

When your travels become internal

and the impressions comes from books

music in your plugs

and darling coming home with news.

When adventure is taking a few steps out on the hills

on a really good day,

sitting a moment in the sun, covered in blankets to keep out the wind

When the world becomes small

but your thoughts a thousand pictures,

a thousand stars

and everuthing you could dream of

got out of reach

impossible

unachievable

When we´ve cleared the way

to life as we wanted it

and the trip wire no longer was outside

but inside

of

me.